Tag: Homophobia

I am Angry!

October 16, 2011
by Gayle

Last week we celebrated National Coming Out Day. It’s an annual celebration when those crazy Gay and Lesbian folk proclaim their right to be out and about in the world! At our house we celebrated by working all day and then playing trivia with our straight friends. It’s something we do every Tuesday. When we got home last night I realized that by our actions we had failed to celebrate our independence. It was almost as if we had missed The Fourth of July.

Upon further reflection, I then began to celebrate the lack of necessity to celebrate. By not celebrating, we had in essence proclaimed our sameness. Our ability to not be different! It was a moment of pure and unadulterated joy. Until, and there always is an until, I realized that October the 11th is not only National Coming Out Day it is also my nephews third wedding anniversary (a fact I remembered due to all the familial accolades on his and his wife’s Facebook pages).

I certainly do not begrudge my nephew nor his wife their celebration. However, my partner and I just celebrated our 14th anniversary and in those fourteen years not one member of either of our families has offered the first congratulatory word! You see we are without the benefit of a signed and sealed legal document. Our relationship is no different from any other. We have made our relationship work, through richer and poorer, through sickness and health, we have seen each other through tragic loses and celebrated tremendous achievements. We did it not because there is some piece of paper that says we must stay together but because we made a commitment.

I am angry! Angry that my hard fought fourteen years, without paperwork, are some how considered less than their three years, with paperwork. Hebrews 13:4 tell us that Marriage is honorable in all and I believe that marriage is honorable; honorable to God, honorable to each other and honorable to humankind. Would my marriage be less honorable to God?  I am angry because Churches celebrate marriages that are the 4th and 5th attempt for some. They understand that 50% of US marriages do not survive. However my stable 14 year relationship is an abomination and a threat to the institution of marriage?

I am angry that my state, that already does not allow gay marriage, domestic partnerships or any other form of legalization has spent months debating a Constitutional amendment that will make it even further illegal for me to have a legalized relationship. Never mind the 10% unemployment; the crumbling infrastructure; or our failing educations system; let’s spend precious legislative time piling on the anti-gay bandwagon. Is it possible to make it any more illegal for me to be gay and in a relationship?

All this frustration left me feeling very alone in the world, well as alone as I can be with 3-25% of the population who are also fighting for their gay rights. Then yesterday, I spent some time with a friend. He’s married, straight and 20 years my junior. We sat on the tailgate of my truck for a couple of hours talking about work, relationships, politics and the US economy. When suddenly he begins to tell me how knowing me has changed his attitude about gay people in general. How he struggled to force himself to stop using the phrase ‘that’s so gay’ after we met because he realized it was offensive. How the vote coming up in May is offensive to him because of me and Jenn. It was then that I realized how the Freedom Riders of the 60’s must have felt. The pain of the ever so slow process, mixed with the elation of knowing you are making a difference.

 

: Struggles

Lost Sheep Looking for a Shepherd

October 4, 2011
by Gayle

Photo via flickr.com/photos/thomashawk

Last Sunday as we sat in church listening to the service, I am hesitant to call it a sermon because it was interactive and more like a classroom setting, and as the discussion progressed I became more and more uncomfortable. The scripture that was the reference was Matthew 21:31 where Jesus says in a parable, “I tell you with certainty, tax collectors and prostitutes will get into God’s kingdom ahead of you!” At one point in the service I was sure the minister was going to say ‘it is easier for prostitutes and homosexuals to enter the kingdom’ and I was not sure I was welcome among my fellow church goers.

Jenn and I have visited many churches in our 14 years together. Some of our experiences have been comical. For example our local MCC Church tried to give us the first time visitor prize 6 Sundays in a row. We visited our local Unity Church and when they asked first time visitors to stand, we did. We accepted the visitor carnation to designate us as visitors. We waited around holding the carnations for the coffee time and still left without anyone acknowledging or welcoming us. We attended a Baptist Church for 6-months where the only people who ever spoke to us were the preacher and our neighbors; we stopped attending because on a Sunday when the preacher was away, the guest speaker instigated a coup. There are more stories and more failed church relationships.

We landed at our current Church because we were invited by a friend to listen to him sing in the Easter cantata. As luck would have it, another acquaintance invited us to celebrate Easter with them that evening where we met, and liked the minister. We saw him again at the same couple’s Independence Day party, and he simply said “Haven’t seen you at Church lately”. A hopeful glimmer of acceptance was shinning on us like a spotlight!

We have found this Church to be welcoming and accepting. Turns out we knew and liked several members. We have been regularly attending since, July.  However the past two Sunday’s we have both felt uncomfortable in the service. Nothing was said that caused the discomfort, it was the result of years of experience.

You see in our long and substantial Church going past we have experienced hate. Not the kind of hate where people are throwing stones at you; not the overt hate of verbal assaults but the hate of not being truly accepted. Preachers will stand in the pulpit and equate being homosexual to those who commit murder. They will choose a scripture what will condemn homosexuality as a topic while ignoring the portions about eating shellfish.

A friend yesterday, in response to my equating homophobia with hate, said ‘not to split a hair… but, a phobia causes fear not hate. Sometimes the reaction of those who fear something, often because they are ignorant about the particular topic manifests itself in the form of hate. It also causes avoidance which is far from hate. I’m not a big fan of the word hate being tossed about without careful consideration. I know many good folks who are ignorant about certain things that are far from being filled with hate. Let’s not be lumping the uneducated with the hateful minority.’ He may well be right that the majority of homophobic and hate-filled rhetoric we hear is based on ignorance and not on hate. However, I am not sure I can feel the difference.

In Mark 9:38-40 John said to Jesus, “Teacher, we saw someone driving out demons in your name. We tried to stop him, because he wasn’t a follower like us.” But Jesus said, “Don’t stop him, because no one who works a miracle in my name can slander me soon afterwards. For he that is not against us is for us. I long for the acceptance of a Church who understands as Jesus did that those who are not against them are for them. Those of us who sit in their pews and pay a tithe are not the enemy. We are, as they are, lost sheep looking for a Shepherd.

 

: Theology